How To Survive The Holidays, Enjoy Family Time, And Keep Your Sanity | Your 7 Step Guide
Ahhh the holidays…
Be honest: do the words "holiday time" fill you with empathetic cheer or do they trigger a post-traumatic stress response?
Though that is a bit sarcastic and a percentage rhetorical, it is a real thing that the holidays can be a real strain to one’s emotions, self-esteem, and self-talk wrapped in a nice sugar coated disguise. Think about your last company party you attended - how many fake smiles did you have to keep up?
It is ironic that the time of year that we should be spending time with our most immediately available support system is when that immediately available support system triggers all kind of stress.
When I worked with suicidal high school students in the past, it was known that our program would be virtually empty during the teens' holiday vacation from school because they were stoked to have free time and no homework, but then we also knew that the second school started back up, we would get a massive influx of crisis referrals and the program would refill.
These kids did their best to deny the triggers and stresses of their family life by getting out of the house or sleeping in or any other distracting coping skill, but then returning to the stresses of school would open the door for all of the pent up family stress to overflow and crisis ensued.
Even as adults, we get stuck in our routines and accustomed to our work stress that taking a holiday vacation, even if to visit family, feels like a much needed respite and we do whatever we can to avoid the stressors that family may offer. Cue the spiked eggnog...
So much of mental health treatment is REACTIVE.
The majority of people - especially in the US - wait until something is a HUGE PROBLEM or an actual health crisis before they do anything about it.
Chances are you are already starting to mentally brace yourself for whatever triggers the holiday time throws at you, so let's try something new and PROACTIVELY PROTECT YOURSELF for a change.
Here is a seven step guide to proactively take care of yourself and your sanity this holiday break:
1. PREDICT YOUR WEAKNESSES
Whoever you plan to visit over the holiday has already made an itinerary for the festivities, so make sure you read it ahead of time.
What parts of it are you looking forward to or which are you dreading? During which events will you be most tired / stressed / overwhelmed / apathetic?
Write these down, too. Predicting your reactions will make the actual reactions in the moment much less intense.
2. DEFINE YOUR OUTCOME
Answer this question: "What do I want to get out of this family / friend time?"
Set an intention for yourself so that your participation in all the cheer and chatting and weight gain contributes to your enjoyment \instead of being an aimless passenger that is just one of the crowd and reacting to the situations that arise.
Is there a family member with whom you particularly want to speak? Is there something that you would like to learn about or tell people about? Is there an activity in which you want to make sure you participate?
3. FIND AN ALLY
People often feel alone in the sea of family members and friends at holiday gatherings, blending in with the cookie-cutter etiquette of cocktail attire and trying not to drink too much, rinsing and repeating the same conversation about their life.
When these people feel alone and detached, they soon feel resentful.
Though sounding ironic, it so happens that feeling alone drives people to retreat and separate even more to find relief in solitude.
Before the party begins, find an ally that you know will be in attendance, invite them to be your buddy ahead of time, or make sure to find them at a certain point in the evening to feel the warmth of connection and fulfilling together-ness.
PRO TIP: if no one will be there that you know can be your buddy, set the intention to be in touch with someone over the phone that you can text or call during the party for a few minutes of relief OR choose someone at the party that you are committed to get to know better.
4. CHOOSE A COPING SKILL
You probably have not seen the family and friends you see at holiday gatherings in a long time, so it can be a shock from normal daily life and can overwhelm you.
If this is you and you are able to predict how you will react to that shock, pick a coping skill ahead of time that you can reliably use and engage in sometime throughout the day, evening, or next day as a way of recentering.
This could include going for a walk, calling a friend, journaling, sitting in a favorite chair, going to the mall, retreating to a corner for five minutes of private meditation.
Whatever it is, make sure it is something that can be realistically performed in the setting and is something that you know is effective for you.
5. DETERMINE SELF-EXPRESSION
This is a toughy. Holidays are punctuated by the question: "What are you doing these days?"
Even though this is the most common chit chat question of any family reunion, people often do not rehearse their answer ahead of time.
Do not be like those people.
Answer this question instead: "What do I want to share with everyone about my life right now?" What are you excited about or proud of? What best describes what you have been doing or working on or exploring?
Your answer will be the arrow in your quiver any time that cousin or aunt walks up to you and awkwardly starts the conversation. Prepare your answer ahead of time and answer them with confidence.
6. BE AWARE OF THE EXITS AT ALL TIMES
Have an exit strategy. I recently helped a client strategize how to politely excuse herself from the holiday table to walk out of the room and the house, if needed, if the conversation became too stressful, frustrating, or overwhelming.
Do as flight attendants tell you on an airplane and locate the nearest exit to your seat.
Whether it is for a quick respite, a walk in the fresh air, or a pro-level Irish exit from the party altogether, determine which exit will be most effective for getting you there. Remember that the exit could just be to another room in the house.
7. BREATHE
Speaking of fresh air and taking breaks, please remember to take deep breaths.
People at holiday parties get overstimulated, want to retreat, and do not follow suggestion #6 so they panic and forget to breathe. Breathing literally gives you space when you feel like the walls - or your in-laws - are closing in around you. Give yourself the gift of personal space this holiday and remember to do with deeper intention the thing we all do automatically all day long.
Holidays are meant to be about connection, nourishment, and gratitude. Even though our modern fast paced society has blended them into the frenzy, that does not mean that you have to contribute to the frenzy yourself.
Take ownership of your self care this holiday season so that you can start the New Year as a stronger, wiser, healthier you.
Happy Holidays.
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